The Grudge

The Grudge

First off, let me say that the word “Grudge” is one of the worst-sounding words in existence. I understand that is my opinion, but I invite you say it out loud…. “grudge”…. Blech. Try to say it and not throw up a little bit in your mouth. Not only does it sound bad when spoken aloud, but the meaning behind it is equally as bad. What does the word grudge mean? Webster’s dictionary states: Grudge - a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time. Dictionary.com states: Grudge - a feeling of ill will or resentment. So a grudge is not a very good thing to have from the sounds of it. This is likely why you very rarely hear someone admit to holding a grudge. In fact, most people are VERY quick to state that they do NOT hold grudges.

I had an interaction with a person recently who very adamantly stated that he “Did not hold grudges”. I wonder if he knew the definition of this word. Remember, a grudge is a strong feeling of anger that lasts for a long time, or resentment. The issue or problem that occurred between this person and I happened nearly a year ago. Yes, it had been a prolonged issue. Yes, it had been just as much my fault as it was his fault. I will absolutely admit that I was in the wrong and should have handled things differently. I, to this day, feel guilty for how I handled things on my part in this grievance. I simply find it funny that although this thing happened (in my eyes) a long time ago, that he is still upset and angry with me over it. I recently spoke with this individual and pleaded with him to assist someone we knew in common concerning a problem this person was having. He declined my request for help saying: “Way back when…… you did this…. You tried this….” referring to things that happened quite a while ago. Once again, I will admit that this is history to me, but apparently, time is relative and is in the eye of the beholder. I do not fault this person for their frustration, anger, or resentment. What concerns me is this man’s inability to see within himself the fact that he currently has, and has for a long-time now, been holding a grudge against me. He vehemently states that he “does not hold grudges.” I guess for this man to admit that he would hold a grudge is to admit any amount of fault or measure of imperfection to be found within him. And that would not be acceptable. In this man’s eyes, he has done nothing wrong – ever. He feels that because he has served in prominent church callings in the past and present, because he holds a position of influence in his workplace, and has plenty of money and possessions, that what he thinks, says, and does must be what is right. This is a man who, hypocritically, attempts to teach others the doctrine of forgiveness. In the Doctrine and Covenants, Jesus Christ said:  

7) “…verily I say unto you, I, the Lord, forgive sins unto those who confess their sins before me and ask forgiveness, who have not sinned unto death.

8) My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.

9) Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

 10) I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”

So I have a question. Can someone who holds a grudge against someone else be forgiven of their own sins according to these verses? It doesn’t sound like it to me. Can someone who holds onto anger and frustration for ANY amount of time against his fellow-man be qualified to receive forgiveness for his own sins? Ought someone who holds resentment in his heart against his neighbor to be the judge of someone who has gone to the proper channels to confess and repent of his sins? I would argue that such cannot and should not.

I do not want to come across as hypocritical myself, so I will openly admit that I once was in the same “gall of bitterness” that this man currently is in. It’s not a good place to be. It is truly “hellish”. The bitterness and frustration and anger and resentment are terrible things that can and will consume you if you do not learn to let it go. That is precisely what happened to me. I was in a place where I had to lose everything in my life before I realized that I was left holding onto nothing but this resentment I once had. So, to this person and to any others that are in a seriously bad place—a place where you think someone is beyond forgiveness in your eyes and even the eyes of society or of religious institutions or otherwise, I would like to offer my own personal testimony. My life, albeit still difficult and full of trials, has become infinitely better from the time I learned to let go of my anger and frustration – my grudge. I came to learn that the words offered by the Lord in the aforementioned scriptures are true, that we cannot be forgiven unless we forgive. From the Sermon on the Mount we hear the words, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” I do not want to come across as one of those people who believe that regardless of their actions they are forgiven and “saved” and therefore have little or no accountability for their deeds or misdeeds. I will say that I am grateful that through the atonement, and through repentance, and through the acceptance of the very nature of our trials and in life in general, that the Atonement is something that can free not only me, but to everyone. One of the prerequisites to receive the cleansing power of the Atonement is to lay upon the altar of sacrifice, our pride. This is a huge thing. It took me a long time to do this and was something I was not sure I could do. But once I chose to do so, the weight of this burden was lifted and caused me such exceeding relief that I will never allow myself to feel that way towards anyone ever again. Sure, people will continue to be people and people will be imperfect and make mistakes. But I accept that now. I don’t hold it against people for the things they have done. A wise man once asked me “Brett, Do any of us really understand the consequences for our actions and deeds?” When it comes down to it, I will not be their judge and they will not be mine. There will only be our personal interview with God as the Judge, and Christ as our advocate.

A friend of mine recently told me something that really changed my perspective on people, trials, and agency (the freedom and capability to choose). I had expressed to my friend of the guilt I felt for recent events in my life, and how I felt that I would be held accountable for the pain and suffering I caused others. I expressed my horror that some of the people I love more than anything in this life were going to be permanently affected by my poor choices and actions of the past. My friend responded: Nobody will be able to get to the judgment bar of God and say “Well, I stopped going to church because I was offended by so-and-so” or “I only smoked because I grew up around it, so it is in reality so-and-so’s fault” or “I only committed ________  of a sin because of so-and-so’s actions”. When it comes down to it, we are all responsible and accountable for our own actions. We all have the light of Christ and we all can feel the Holy Spirit testify to our hearts of truth and righteousness. We will not be found blameless unless we are willing to take responsibility for our own actions and choices, and THEN choose to cast those upon the Lord through the repentance process. Long story short, I do not believe that God will accept a response of “Because of so-and-so…” when we are asked why we fell short.

My friend was not saying this to minimize our actions or accountability. I still felt bad to know that my actions had and would likely continue to cause anxiety and pain to the people I love. However, it made me rethink my own eventual interview with God. What problems, addictions, flaws, or faults in my life have I simply blamed upon others or their actions? I was exposed to horrible things as a child and I still suffer from those effects. But when it comes down to it, can one, a handful, or a multitude of bad experiences or influences justify our own poor decisions and sins? No, they can’t. From the Book of Mormon, The Prophet Lehi teaches his sons: “…I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon. Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.” God created man to act. Sometimes we are indeed acted upon, but we are still children of God with the power and will to act, regardless of our circumstances. To rationalize, to think that outward influences have removed our ability to act for ourselves is childish at best. “Tommy took the ball away from me so I HAD to hit him” is a false concept. We can see and understand this concept as adults. We look upon that example as being very childish or even comical. I feel that his is how God sees our justification of our “inability” to act for ourselves or to make right choices. In the end, regardless of our trials and circumstances, whether they happen naturally or by commission of others, whether by our own doing or not, we will be judged based solely and strictly upon our own actions and reactions to these tests.

To sum up, I simply would like to re-invite the man I offended and everyone else who, at this time, struggles with “holding a grudge”. If you hold one: admit it, and let it go. There’s more harm being done to you by holding onto this grudge than by letting it go. Pretending you do not hold a grudge or lying about it for the sake of worldly gain is spiritually destructive. I know from personal experience this is true. I am grateful for the ability for my faults and flaws to be forgiven through the grace that is the Atonement of Christ. For those of you still struggling with this, who feel they are somehow justified in this anger because it has festered there too long and delved too deeply into your hearts to be rooted out, I invite you to ask yourself the following question: Who I am to hold the faults and flaws of others to be so severe that I would not forgive them, when the Savior himself suffered in Gethsemane and upon the cross and ultimately died to forgive all of mankind for those very things. Can I lie and say that Jesus Christ did that for me, but not for anyone else? Can I declare who is beyond grace? Am I, or any of us, greater than He?

 

Walking The Line

I am sitting in one of the quaint little cafes here in Rockland, Maine. I'm waiting for my breakfast and thinking about change and what it means to change. I again am reflecting on the mindset of people who have no desire to be anything or anyone other than who they are. In my opinion, there is a fine line that few people actually walk. This is the fine line between loving ourselves for who we are and recognizing the need for change. Finding ourselves set upon one side of this line or the other can be damning in a sense. If we love who we are too much and see no reason to improve, we risk becoming complacent in our circumstances and therefore become stagnant. On the other hand, if we focus solely on the need to change or the many improvements we feel we ought to make, we then run the danger of despising ourselves, having low self-worth and low self-esteem. Personally, I have fallen on both sides of this line. I have found myself thinking: I'm doing pretty well. I go to church, I pay tithing, I pay fast offerings, I strive to be honest, I serve in church, I do my best to be a positive influence on those people around me. I think I'm doing alright. At those times, I stopped progressing as a person. Although from the outside, I'm sure I looked as though I was doing very well, on the inside I was stationary, without any sign of growth. There have also been times when I was on the other side of the line. The depths of despair really is the only way to describe what it is like to be on the other side of the line. When you are not able see the good in yourself through all the "bad". It has been said that we often can be our own worst critic. If we are not careful, we critic ourselves took harshly. This had an adverse effect which leads to depression and doubt in ourselves, rather than to the motivation we are searching for to obtain the real and valuable change we are seeking. All too easily we can lose hope in the ability to change if we look at everything we may want to change about ourselves. This is why I feel that walking the straight and narrow line is so crucial for our growth and improvement as individuals. If we veer too far to one side or the other, we miss the mark of who we are meant to become. As I said before, I think too many of us are firmly set on one side of this line or the other, when in fact, we must walk this straight and narrow path to achieve the growth we need to become who God wants us to become.

One example of this could be the habit of smoking. I don’t think there is anyone out there that argues that smoking is a good thing. However, pretty much everyone who smokes has chosen to find themselves on one of the two sides of this line. They may have decided that they are a smoker and that is that. They may have decided that they are ok with it and this addiction is just part of who they are. They might have found a way to love themselves and their habits. Or, perhaps they have tried and tried to quit smoking. They may know it’s bad, and they may want to quit, but they have tried and failed too many times. They have lost hope, and they see themselves as “broken toys” that cannot be fixed. They are beyond the ability to change. They sometimes feel so lowly of themselves that they allow this negative self-image to affect other aspects of their lives. While a desire to quit smoking is the first step in actually quitting, taking this negative viewpoint to the extreme will not help, but only make failing that much worse. Thus, people who want to quit smoking, or bring about any meaningful change in general, need to walk this line. People must love themselves for all the good they are and their divine parentage and origins, while also seeing the need for and benefits of changing, of turning away from the bad outwardly influences, or bad inner mannerisms we have developed over time.

I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I was speaking with a friend the other day who shared with me that he was a Christian. We had a good discussion of some basic and core beliefs that all Christians shared commonly. We ultimately agreed that Christianity at its core means to accept that any person can change for the better through Jesus Christ. If you are a Christian of any denomination, you must have this firm belief at your core. There is the capability to change by will-power, and for those people who can “do it on their own”, I tip my hat to them. I know that for the rest of us, the majority of us, real change can and only will take place once the desire has been built on the foundation that we love our Savior and want to change and become better for him. This is meaningful and real change. I am grateful for second, third, fourth, and hundredth chances to change which come from the Grace of Jesus Christ’s atoning sacrifice. When it comes to walking that line, my savior is the one who keeps me from falling on either side and helps me to slowly, but steadily, become the man I hope to one day become.

Those are just some of the thoughts I’ve been having as of late….And breakfast was delicious, in case you were wondering.

The "Double-Jump" Principle

     I know it’s been a little bit since my last post but a lot has been going on. Heartache and challenges have been the theme of my life lately, but I would be truly ungrateful indeed if I didn't openly recognize the blessings I have had in my life. Yesterday I came to learn of what I can only deem as the "Double-Jump" principle.

     For people who don't know, from time to time I like to play video games. I try to limit it to playing with friends from my childhood or to blow off some steam after a rough day at work. In one of the games I have played lately, you can initiate a "double-jump". The idea is that, when trying to clear a gap, you can jump, and then when necessary, you can press the jump button again and initiate a second jump while still mid-air. This allows the player to make it over longer distances, or achieve greater heights than with an ordinary jump action. This may seem to be a simplistic game feature, but it takes a lot of practice to master it. In fact, if you do not initiate the "double-jump" at the precise moment or in an exact way, you will not make it to your destination. This results in death or losing large amounts of progress.

     Boring, I know. But this does have a point. There have been times over the last 4 months where I have taken a leap, seemingly off a proverbial cliff, and not felt like I could clear the gap. To be more accurate, when jumping, sometimes I felt as if I could not see my destination. I would be jumping blindly and scared. I have noticed that this has happened enough times lately that such occurrences are not coincidental. Having recognized this idea and how it has blessed my life, I would like to share a few examples in hopes that you too would benefit from my experiences.
 
     The first instance was when, about a month ago, I was in a very dark place. Without divulging too many details, I was devoid of hope. I had just been given some news of a very depressing nature. I was supposed to go to the Temple (a Holy House in our faith where Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints members can be close to God and meditate amongst other things) with a dear friend. After hearing the disheartening news, I was distraught. I tried to pray, but without avail. I was in a dark pit, and had relented to accept the fact that I was not going to get out. I used this frustration and anger to inform my friend that I was not going with him the next day. Upon hearing this, he bore his testimony and earnestly pleaded with me to go, but I still refused. He finally made me promise that I would at least text him the next morning if that was still my decision. I promised I would but didn't intend to. I went home that night, and after yelling at God in frustration, I went to bed, sobbing. The next morning I woke up to my alarm. The first thought I had was that I was tired and still frustrated. So I fell back asleep. I apparently hit the snooze button because after 15 minutes, my alarm went off again. This time I woke up with a very distinct feeling. It said: "Brett, Faith and Obedience is sometimes doing what you don't want to do, but doing it anyways because you know it’s the right thing.” I knew that if I needed to be anywhere that morning, it was at the temple. I needed direction and hope. So, I texted my friend that I would be going with him. He came over to pick me up. I was still feeling discouraged so I asked him for a blessing (Worthy men in our church who hold the priesthood can offer blessings of comfort to alleviate the emotional/spiritual pains that we sometimes suffer). I felt much better afterwards, but was still a little off. After arriving in Boston, we entered into the temple. Typically, the temple is a great place to feel close to God from the moment you walk in, but I did not. It wasn't until I had been inside for a while that I was able to feel a reassurance from God that He was there, that he cared about me, and He knew about my situation. Without going into detail, I had my heart’s deepest concerns and questions answered. I left the Temple that day feeling fulfilled and whole again.


     The second instance was last week. I had my boys with me and we had a great time. We watched some of their favorite movies, played games, and stayed up a little too late eating ice-cream. It was a truly wonderful time. We woke up the next morning and began our day. Because of some of the circumstances in my life, my son Wyatt, got really upset and started crying. This wasn't some "overtired" or "childish" crying. This was sincere pain and anguish of his tender little heart. Due to my circumstances, I was very upset at God. I have a bad tendency to miss direct my anger or frustration towards Him. Nevertheless, I was still upset. I could see and understand why God had allowed my life to become what it was, and to suffer the pains and consequences I was going through, but could not understand why He would allow my son, innocent as he is, to go through pain. Wyatt, if you have ever met him, is the cutest, nicest little boy. He comes up to me all the time telling me he wants to be a missionary someday. He sometimes will stop whatever he is doing to tell me and those around him that he loves them. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a loving and wonderful little boy. He was hurting, and as his father I was powerless to help him in anyway. I started to question the nature of God. I was struggling to accept that, if there was a God that He would allow for my son to hurt so much. It wasn't like Wyatt had done anything to deserve or warrant this pain. So, if God loves us as we are always told, why would He allow this to happen? I struggled with this for a couple of days. In the midst of my struggle and my own pain, another member of my congregation called me, sensing I was having a hard time. I expressed my frustration to her. She responded that she knew that God loves us and that she didn't always understand why God allows bad things to happen to people who don't necessarily deserve it, but that it was for a reason and that someday we will know what that reason is. I at the time could not be comforted. Knowing, however, that she had great faith, and knowing my great love and respect for her, it softened my heart enough to cling to the edges of her faith. This sustained me until the following night when I was reading from a General Conference talk by Boyd K. Packer entitled, The Witness. Within this talk, He explains that he knows from personal experience that God lives and loves us. He testified of the divinity of Christ and finally retold an account from the New Testament. He told of the time when Christ had finished speaking with his disciples and after speaking with them, most of the disciples departed from Him. Christ then turned to his apostles and asked. "Will ye leave also?" And Peter responded: "Lord, where wouldst we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life." This really hit home for me. When I was distraught, I figured that I COULD just give up and live a "worldly" life-style or act as if there was no God to be accountable to. But what would that profit me? Maybe a little more short-termed excitement or pleasure. But choosing to persevere and continue on in faith would give me an opportunity to gain the words of Eternal Life. I decided from that time on that I would be ok with suffering now and then if it meant that something far greater was in store for me later.

    

     The most recent incident was this week. I just moved my home in Augusta, back into the same room I lived in growing up in high-school. This was really hard. As I packed up the pieces of my life in Augusta, piled them into boxes and then into the moving truck, I was at an all-time low emotionally. I got to Belfast and started to unload the truck. The first box I carried up the stairs to my room, sat the box down by the side of my bed, hit my knees, and started to cry. I had graduated in 2004. In my mind, the past 10 years had come full circle. I did not feel like anything I had done in the previous 10 years had mattered and that I was starting all over again. With every box I brought into the house, I felt like I was dying a little more and more. This was especially hard because some great members of the congregation in Belfast had shown up to help me move in. Being as depressed as I was, I couldn’t even thank my own mother who had worked so diligently to prepare a place for me there. She had worked so hard and I couldn't even muster the strength to thank her for all her hard work. After everything had been settled in, I fell down on my new bed and began to cry, again. I started to text one of my two best friends. He has been someone who has constantly been there to send me a text, recommend an inspiring talk, or simply listen to my late night rants of frustration. He gave some words of wisdom, as he always has, I felt a little better and then fell asleep. I was physically tired, and emotionally sapped of all my energy. After a short nap, I woke up after dark and decided I was going to go out and drive around. I went to Hannaford, seemingly the only store open in Belfast past eight. I went in, bought a drink and something to snack on. I left and began to drive again. As I was leaving the parking lot, I saw someone I thought I had recognized. This turned out to be a member of the Belfast congregation that I had met awhile back. I pulled over, and began to talk to him and his wife. We ended up talking for a few hours and felt so much better about the decision and life circumstances that led me to move to Belfast. I had a rejuvenated sense of purpose and confidence in the future. I slept that night better than I could have imagined.

     So, how does this tie in at all to my "double-jump" theory? I learned that in each of the previous incidents, I had either jumped or been pushed off a ledge. I could not see where I was supposed to land, or even if there was a place to land. In each of these instances, I had to be bolstered up by someone just long enough to make it to my destination. My friend who was there for me while I was debating whether or not to go to the temple, the woman who bore her testimony to me before I could be inspired to read that talk about the nature of God, and finally, my friend who has been there for me all along to let me borrow his strength before I could have the conversation which left me feeling purpose in my life-changing move to Belfast. Of course, the landing zone in each of these situations was where I needed to end up, but I would not have made it to these places if I had not had the benefit of a "double-jump". These individuals helped me get from where I was to where I needed to be by pushing, pulling, carrying me during the hard times. What they did was nothing extravagant, nor earth shattering. They were simple acts of kindness and support that I received in the moment I needed them. Through these people, the Lord was able to get me from A to B. I have learned over the past few months that the Lord will not "leave us comfortless." Sometimes He will let us jump into the darkness, and then will allow us to freefall for a bit. Sometimes we see the ground rushing up at us and we begin to fear that God has forgotten or forsaken us. This indeed tests our faith, but I have come to learn that He will never abandon us. There will ALWAYS be a landing zone. Sometimes we just need to have faith that even if we cannot see the place we want to end up right away, we can and will be upheld by Him long enough to make it there if we seek His help. I am so eternally grateful for the people who have been there to help me in the "in-between times" and am grateful to know that God is there and will always be there to help us in our times of need. I hope that each of you who currently struggle with this can benefit from my testimony. And to each of you who have been the device I used as a “double-jump”, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Change

Why should people change? What does it take for a person to change? These are questions I have been pondering a lot about lately. Maybe the most important question that needs to be answered first is if a person can truly change at all. The saying "a tiger cannot change his stripes" is often used to describe people who have made an attempt to change, but either fell short or went back to being the way they were before. We have all seen people who have tried to be better or improve and have failed. These people may have an addiction that is terribly difficult to overcome and fall short time and time again when trying to break the addiction. Some people believe that they are fine the way they are and there isn't anything that needs to be changed, while others feel that the work required to change outweighs the benefits so they don't try. Others still may feel like to change would be to lose a part of who they are, or to somehow forfeit their identity. The last one I personally have heard numerous times when I have expressed my desires to change myself. These friends and family seem to think that by changing myself, I somehow will no longer be the same person. It seems that most people believe that at some point, sooner or later, we achieve the epitome of who we are. Further, that once we have reached this "apex", to change anything more than a minor detail about ourselves would result in losing a critical part of our personality or identity. Somehow, we resign to the idea that "we are who we are" and we stop trying to improve. We become prideful. In one recent address, one of the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints shared a story that paints a good picture of one such instance of pride and the limiting power thereof. Donald L. Hallstrom shares:

Several decades ago I was serving as a bishop. Over an extended period I met with a man in our ward who was many years my senior. This brother had a troubled relationship with his wife and was estranged from their children. He struggled to keep employment, had no close friends, and found interaction with ward members so difficult he finally was unwilling to serve in the Church. During one intense discussion about the challenges in his life, he leaned toward me—as his conclusion to our numerous talks—and said, "Bishop, I have a bad temper, and that’s just the way I am!"

That statement stunned me that night and has haunted me ever since. Once this man decided—once any of us conclude—"That’s just the way I am," we give up our ability to change. We might as well raise the white flag, put down our weapons, concede the battle, and just surrender—any prospect of winning is lost. While some of us may think that does not describe us, perhaps every one of us demonstrates by at least one or two bad habits, "That’s just the way I am."

I found this story to be both troubling, and familiar. I could relate because I recently was in a pit of anger and frustration. While in this pit, I did not want to change at first because I was hurt and felt like didn't need to change. Then when faced with the reality that I needed to change, I felt like it would be too hard for me to change, to soften my heart. Like the man in the story, I had consigned myself to the idea that I was beyond change, and beyond help. I felt that even if I could change, that somehow I was conceding my justified feelings in the dispute and would, therefore, be lesser of a person. The irony of the situation was that only AFTER I decided to forgive, to change myself, was I able to become more of a unique and fulfilled person.

I want to share a personal experience I had the other day. I went out with some missionaries for our church and we had 2 appointments. When we met with the first person, he shared with us that he did not have a relationship with God. He told us that "he and God had decided to be seperate and do their own things." He did not deny that there was a God, even going so far as to say he believed very strongly in God. When one of the missionaries asked him if he ever wondered about what would happen to him after this life, he replied that he didn't think anything he did here would influence that and "he and God would sort that out at that time." The first man had decided that he didn't see a need, nor have any desire, to change. In bright contrast, the second appointment we had was with a younger guy. This man was willing to change. We talked to him about some of the things we know God wants us to do in this life (keep the commandments, go to church, say prayers, etc. etc.). Unlike the first gentleman, this man was eager to learn what God wanted him to do, and was then willing to change to please God. And some of the things we were asking him were not easy. Regardless of the difficulty of the task, the second man was willing to change. That wasn't the only difference I saw between the two men. The second man had a certain happiness to him that the first man lacked. The first man, although successful in sense that he had money and notoriety, was poor as to a confidence in his relationship to God. The seconed man, although seemingly lesser off financially or otherwise, had a richer and deeper relationship to God. What an amazing contrast between these two men.

I know that anyone one of us can change. In reality, from our earliest years of life, we are constantly changing. This process starts to slow down and eventually come to a stop. Why does it have to stop? Are anyone of us perfect? Shouldn't we want to be perfect? Shouldn't becoming our best selves be the goal of our lives? If we smoke, shouldn't we try to stop? If we have an addiction, shouldn't we fight that addiction and free ourselves of our dependancy upon anything we cannot choose to go without? If we have bad relationships with people, shoudln't we try to repair them? There is something everyone of us can, and absolutely should change for the better about ourselves. Not one of us is perfect, but I feel that we ought to at least try. Changing our flaws into strengths doesn't minimize our individuality, but enhances it. Settling with our flaws or sins will only lead us into "the norm" and will remove our identity. Neal A. Maxwell once said:

"Sin, on the other hand, brings sameness; it shrinks us to addictive appetites and insubordinate impulses. For a brief surging, selfish moment, sin may create the illusion of individuality, but only as in the grunting, galloping Gadarene swine!
The prior quote is not meant to judge or reduce the person who is in a rut or is trying to change themselves, but rather describe the individuals who are content to live in the imperfect state that they find themselves in."



There is a myriad of reasons why we should change. Seeing a desire to change doesn't mean we hate ourselves, or we must focus on the negative. Rather, admitting we have something we need to change, and then actively pursuing that improvement makes us more like the people God wants us to be. I heard a quote once that went something like this: "Your life is God's gift to you. What you do with it, is your gift to God." If that is true, shouldn't our gift be the best thing we can give to Him? I am reminded of the parable in the New Testament where Jesus speaks about "Talents" from Matthew 25:14-28. A Talent is a sum of money. Without retelling the whole story, it can be summed up by saying that the "Lord" gives his servants varying amounts of money. The "Lord" then leaves and comes back. He finds that 2 of his servants used their money to increase their sum, while one took his money and hid it. The Lord congratulates the 2 servants who increased their sum, and condemns the one who did not so, calling him a "wicked and slothful" servant. So not only can we change, but God expects us to change. He does not expect us to sit back and let our qualities control us, but rather for us to control our qualities.



I want to share my testimony that we should change, and that we can change. It may seem impossible at times, I can attest to that from personal experience. But we can leave our past behind because of Jesus Christ and what He did for all of us. Anything is possible because of Him. And if we have people in our lives who are trying to change, let us support them, encourage them.



I want to close with another quote from another Church leader. His name is Jeffrey R. Holland and a few years back he shared a powerful talk on this subject. The climax of this talk resulted in the following statement:


"When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal."
"Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried."

I know we can all become better through Christ. We simply need to believe it and strive for it.

Trials and Obedience

Trials and Obedience

I am going to do my best today to keep this post optimistic. It has come to my attention that the overall feeling of my blog is somber at best, so I want to apologize and say that is not the intent of my posts. The purpose of this blog is to share with you some of my thoughts, feelings, and struggles and also offer you my testimony and some of the precious truths I am learning from day to day.

Luckily, I have been looking a lot more on the optimistic side of things lately. Counting my blessings and being grateful for even small events that go well for me in my life is how I’ve been able to stay positive lately. I am also learning a little bit more about how to really look at our trials. Let me explain by starting with a story offered by Jeffrey R. Holland, one of the leaders of the LDS church.

“Having grown up in southern Utah and enjoying all the wonders and beauties of southern Utah and northern Arizona, I wanted to introduce my son to that and I wanted to show him places that I had seen and enjoyed when I was his age. So, his mother packed a little lunch for us, and we took his grandfather’s pickup truck and headed south onto what we call the old Arizona Strip.

“Noting that the sun was going down, we decided that we’d better get back. But we came back to a particular fork in the road, really the only one that at that point was absolutely unrecognizable. I asked my son to pray about which road to take, and he felt strongly that we should go to the right, and I did as well. And we went to the right, and it was a dead end. We went four or five or six hundred yards and it was an absolute dead end, clearly the wrong road.

“Turned around, came back out, and took the other road. And clearly the road to the left was the correct road.

“Somewhere along the way, Matt said, ‘Dad, why did we feel, after praying about it, that the right road was the proper one to take, the correct one to take, and it wasn’t?’ And I said, ‘I think that the Lord, His wish for us there and His answer to our prayer was to get us on the right road as quickly as possible with some reassurance, with some understanding that we were on the right road and we didn’t have to worry about it. And in this case, the easiest way to do that was to let us go 400 yards or 500 yards on the wrong road and very quickly know without a doubt that it was the wrong road and, therefore, with equal certainty, with equal conviction that the other one was the right road.’

“I have absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge that God loves us. He is good. He is our Father and He expects us to pray and trust and be believing and not give up and not panic and not retreat and not jump ship when something doesn’t seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, keep trusting, following that same path, and we will live to fall in His arms and feel His embrace and hear Him say, ‘I told you it’d be OK, I told you it’d be all right.’”

I placed in bold the parts which really sum up my situation lately. I especially love the last part, and feel that it sums up the hope which we should all have within us when we experience these trials of our faith. Are we going to stay strong? Or are we going to fail? Are we going to let our trials beat us, or are we going to rise above and win the fight? Whether we like it or not, we are all going to face trials. It’s my personal opinion that God will make each of us go through the trial that is going to bring us literally, or figuratively to our knees. In a recent conversation I had with a friend of mine, I told him, “I would GLADLY get into a car accident and become a paraplegic or lose a limb, or allow some other awful physical ailment to come upon me, if it meant I did not have to go through this trial.” My friend's response was, “Well, if you know that, then God doesn’t need to test your faith with that trial then. He apparently DOES need to test you with this trial.” It stung a little to hear, that God would allow something awful happen to me, but it makes sense. Rarely has God asked of his people, or allowed to happen to his people, things that were easy. He knows each of us, and will test each of us in a very different and specific way, the things we need to learn to get back to Him again.

Another example I have seen is when the early members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints were asked to construct a temple in Kirtland, Ohio and then another later in Nauvoo, Illinois. The early church members, by commandment of God, built these two sacred buildings, gave all they had and worked diligently for years to construct each one. In the end, after all the effort and sacrifice, the early church members where driven from both of these places by the anti-Mormon persecution that surrounded them. I’m sure these people had similar sentiments that I had, and that Matthew Holland from the story felt: I did everything I was asked to do, and I did my best, and the Lord told us to do something specific…. But things still didn’t turn out the way we would expect a direct answer from God to turn out. I want to repeat what I learned from the final paragraph of the above-mentioned story.

“I have absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge that God loves us. He is good. He is our Father and He expects us to pray and trust and be believing and not give up and not panic and not retreat and not jump ship when something doesn’t seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, keep trusting, following that same path, and we will live to fall in His arms and feel His embrace and hear Him say, ‘I told you it’d be OK, I told you it’d be all right.’”

I am grateful for the lesson I am learning on this principle of faith. It is my prayer that we all can first seek His will, get the answer, and then do it. Most importantly, that we remember what we felt when we were given revelation or any other inspiration regardless of whether the path we end up on is difficult, dark, or seemingly wrong. We need to retain the faith that we will be “redirected” to the path God wants us to be on, even if He leads us through thorny ways first. Personal revelation is a precious gift which, if we are not careful, the adversary will try to mislead us into thinking we didn’t get it at all. The adversary will try to make us believe that there is no God, there is no inspiration, that we can’t understand how to interpret the spirit, or many other lies to convince us that what we feel is from God is not true. I, for one, am thankful for the power of personal prayer and the strength that personal communication with God can bring. I hope and pray for the continued strength to remember these lessons and hold to what I know to be true.

A New Life, A New Start

A New Life, A New Start

I wanted to start his post with this quote because I know this to be true:

“The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become - because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be. . .It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.”

― C.S. Lewis

A change in my life has been thrust upon me. I have tried my best to fight it, kicking and screaming as I am dragged into the night. I feel like I did when I had been misbehaving at church as a child. My mom or dad would only suffer it for so long before one of them would scoop me up and take me out back where an appropriate discipline would be ministered. Because I knew what was coming, I would make as much of a scene as I could while also expressing my genuine fear. This didn’t stop the discipline from coming, no matter how many times it happened. Right now, I am being picked up and taken to the “out back” in my life. I know the discipline is coming. And I have been fighting it with everything I have. I don’t want this pain; I don’t want to “learn this lesson.” The most difficult part of all of this for me is that when I was a child, I usually knew why I was being disciplined. And even though this knowledge didn’t remove the sting of discipline, it made sense and gave a sense of justice that was affixed to the misdeed I had committed. That’s not the case right now. I can’t see how this change in my life is the right thing for me. In fact, it feels like, and indeed is a big step back in my life. I have tried to do what God would have me to do. So why is this challenge being placed upon me? I don’t know. I can honestly say I have no idea. Lately, as was the case when I was a child, I have fought, screamed, and cried to keep from going through the inevitable pain that is coming. To quote Star Trek, “resistance is futile.” It would appear that I am somehow destined to crash into this trial in my life, no matter how much I try to pump the breaks or turn the wheel.

So what now? If I can’t get around the pain, I must try to get through it. A great leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints by the name of Richard G. Scott once said:

A key to improved prayer is to learn to ask the right questions. Consider changing from asking for the things you want to honestly seeking what He wants for you. Then as you learn His will, pray that you will be led to have the strength to fulfill it.

Should you ever feel distanced from our Father, it could be for many reasons. Whatever the cause, as you continue to plead for help, He will guide you to do that which will restore your confidence that He is near. Pray even when you have no desire to pray. Sometimes, like a child, you may misbehave and feel you cannot approach your Father with a problem. That is when you most need to pray. Never feel you are too unworthy to pray.

From this we gain 2 insights. First, that instead of asking “why does God hate me?” or “why can’t things be different?” It is better to ask, “What lesson does God have for me to learn from this?” or “How is my life being influenced that may be beneficial for me and my place in God’s plan?” Second, if it is our fault that we have fallen into these circumstances (whether recognize it or not), that we are not beyond forgiveness. If we are able to humble ourselves and pray for direction, we will get it, even in the storms of life.

So that’s where I am at. I am trying to brace for the inevitable impact of the change that I’m going through in my own life. I will be moving shortly, transferring the location of my job, relocating where I worship (the location, not the religion), saying goodbye to close friends and the stability of the life I once knew. I am hoping, praying, and trusting that God has a plan for me. One step in front of the other, or as Dori from Finding Nemo would say, “Just keep swimming.”

I would like to express my gratitude for my friends and family. Everyone who has been there for me lately, whether friends or family, at church or work, across the country or right here in town, working 70 hour weeks or retired, have all been there for me more than I could have ever known. The kind words, the prayers, the fasting, the hugs, the listening ears, the counsel, the laughs (which sometimes had to be force fed to me when I needed to laugh), the “Bro-Dates” as I have deemed them, and many other precious times, moments, or gestures have all been crucial in my survival of the past few months. I am so thankful for my knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father who cares for me, and equally grateful for all of the people He has placed in my life to be his “Ministering Angels.” Even in those most discouraging of moments when it was very easy for me to be angry at God for not stepping into my life and changing my circumstances, these ministering angels have been there to lift and uphold me. From late night phone calls, to spontaneous visits, from text messages of encouragement to the lending of encouraging books and other literature, from long car rides to Boston to sitting with me for hours in silence in my living room, many of you reading this have emotionally put me on your backs and carried me through. I thank you, and I know our Heavenly Father thanks you and will bless you for your service you have offered me. Matthew 25:45 reads: “Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.” I am not simply pandering; I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart: I love you all and will never be able to thank you enough nor repay you for what you have done for me. May it seem great or small in your eyes, what you did for me was essential to my survival, be it spiritually, emotionally, physically, or mentally. As I told one of you recently, “There must be a God, because if there wasn’t, I would not be fortunate enough to have all of you in my life.” I only hope to someday return the favor and be a helpmeet to any of you that may need it. Just know I am here for you always. I owe you all big-time!

I am determined to let the Lord make the most of me that He can. I know that only through him can I be everything that He created me to be. And although I am unsure and uneasy of what my future holds, I know that between God, all of you, and to the countless others who will never read these posts, I have the support I need to make it through anything and achieve my goal of becoming that which God wants me to become.

 The following video and story is one of the hardest but greatest lessons any of us could learn on this subject. I hope you can watch it and enjoy it. I know I have, even if living the lesson is easier than simply listening to it. (The video is only a condensed 3-minute version, so if you only have time for that, watch the video. Otherwise, read the whole talk, its awesome!)

http://www.mormonchannel.org/mormon-channel-daily/213?v=1839005837001 - Video

https://www.lds.org/new-era/1973/01/the-currant-bush - Written Message

A Man and His House

A Man and His House.

A man once had a house. It was built on a sure foundation, and was decorated with the finest of things. The man was happy. Sure, there were cracks in the walls, the doors creaked open and shut, this house didn't have a lot of the commodities that other homes of similar shape and size may have had. It was not perfect in the eyes of the world, but in the eyes of the man, it was greater than anything he could have dreamt of. The home he grew up in was good, but not as good as this one, and he was excited to call it his own. The rooms still needed to be painted and the laundry needed to be done. The man, although excited about the purchase of his dream home, was not prepared for the effort it would take to upkeep the home. He felt like he could handle it, but would often push off necessary maintencance until he would have "time or energy to do it." What the man didn’t know was that there was a problem. A big problem. There was black mold all throughout this home. There wasn’t mold when the man first purchased the home. Slowly but surely, from neglect of the house, it had crept in and taken hold upon the house. The man should not have been surprised, because he had seen patches here and there, and had neglected to take care of it. The man thought he was too busy, and reduced the problem in his head. Before he knew it, the mold had spread and it was starting to poison his precious young family. After a thorough assessment of the house, it was determined that this house needed to be condemned. The mold had spread into virtually every part of the home. The effort and cost to clean it would be insurmountable. The logical course of action would be to abandon the home. The man was scared. It felt like just yesterday he and his young family had moved into this home and now he was going to lose it. To lose his home would mean to lose everything he had ever worked for and dreamt of. The man didn't know what to do. He did not know anything about mold or how to get rid of it. So he turned to the one who would never lie to him, and would tell him the truth, even if it was hard to hear. He asked his God to see what he should do. After praying, the man received an answer that he should be diligent in the cleaning of the mold. The man was not to abandon the home under any condition unless God told him to otherwise. The man had received an answer. Regardless of how much it would cost, how long it would take, or effort it required, the man knew it would be worth it because God told him it would be. He knew God could not lie.

 

The man loved that house. It wasn't perfect, and in due time the man had grand expectations to improve upon the house with more amenities and features. Bigger rooms, brighter lighting, warmer colors just to list a few. The man loved the house for all it had been for his family in the past. This home had been a shelter from the storms. This home had kept his family warm in the winter, and the man’s family had once felt safe there. The man didn't just love the home more for what it was, but for what it could have become. The man disagreed with insurance adjusters that told him the home was beyond repair. The man told them he would clean the black mold himself, for it was his own fault the mold took root in the first place. He went to the store and asked what he would need to clean the mold. The salesman told him that it would require very expensive tools and materials and he would need to use the chemicals of a very harsh and stringent nature. The salesman warned that the man’s eyes would burn, his arms would ache, and he would be financially drained if he chose to undertake this task. Knowing how much the house meant to him, and remembering the answer he received from God, the man turned over his credit card and charged the supplies without hesitation.

 

The salesman was not kidding. The man’s eyes and lungs burned more than he could have imagined. He was perpetually exhausted. He worked on it for months, cleaning the basement first, then under the stairs, then under the sinks. Night after night the man would get home from his strenuous job and then he would clean late into the night. Often, the man would clean until the sun was coming up. This continued on for days. Then the days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months.

 

The man’s wife and children could not stay in the house and wouldn't even visit for fear that the filth and poisonous mold would harm them. They escaped to a house where they felt they could be safe and happy. The man’s dear wife could not understand why he cared so much about this house. He tried his best to explain to her what the house had meant to him. He tried to tell her how much he cared about the house. He reminded her of when it came down to make a decision to buy the house, that the man had prayed about it and received an answer that this house, although not perfect, was the house he was meant to buy. The man sold all he had, took out a large loan, and spent every last penny he had to buy it. When the purchase was finalized, he felt happy and complete for the first time in his life. That home was the greatest treasure that he ever possessed. The man did his best to apologize for not taking better care of the house. Only now could he see where he had been neglectful and lazy. He now recognized how countless days he had left the cleaning duties and daily house maintenance to his wife to perform, claiming he was too busy, or too tired. She couldn't keep up with all the duties of the house by herself. She had asked the man numerous times to help her, and he refused. He couldn't see the mold like she could, and what he did see, he would minimize the problem and then procrastinate. She had, too many times, borne the brunt of the workload solely on her own, while the man would sit and watch ignorantly. The man told her how he had seen the error of his ways. He wanted to be better. He had been actively cleaning every day. The man finally saw the amount of effort she had put into the house, and it had not been easy. He had been improving upon the house as much as he could. The man regretted ever letting the house get so bad, but knew that it was getting better. The endeavor to get rid of the mold was a long process, but it was getting better and better with each passing day.

 

But it was too late. The man’s wife had already experienced what it was like to live in a home that was free of mold. She felt safe and happy. She no longer needed to work to clean the mold, and could spend more time enjoying her new home. She just could not see how the man’s home could ever be fully clean. The man’s children were happy where they were. Of course, they were young and couldn't see the difference in where they lived, but they were happy nonetheless. The man’s wife thought, “why bother going through all the trouble to clean the man’s home, when there is a beautiful and clean new home for her and the kids?” The efforts required to clean the man’s house were too great, and seemed impossible to her. This dialogue between the two went on for months, until one day, the man was finally able to convince her to come to the house and see the progress he had made. The man knew the work was not completed and there was still plenty to be done. But the place looked wonderful by comparison to what it had been when she fled with the kids. The man knew that if he could just get her to see the house, and how much better it was, she might still be convinced to return. Finally, the opportunity came. The man walked her through the home, showing her what his many hours of labor had yielded. She was amazed. She hugged the man and said she could see eventually coming back with the kids. The man was so full of joy that he started to cry. “Finally”, the man thought, “my works have paid off and soon our life would be back to normal. But not to where our life had been, but to somewhere far better!” The man had found a new sense of resolve and commitment to the home. The man and his wife reminiscenced about the good times they had there. They both admitted that there were a lot of bad times too, but that things would be better from then on. The man could see it in his wife’s eyes that this was the first step to reuniting their family. She had to get back to the kids, and the man still had plenty of work to do. After hours of diligently cleaning, the man rested well that night in the confidence that the future was now brighter because of what he saw in his precious wife’s eyes. He went to bed that night finally feeling good, that all his work had actually some purpose and meaning.

 

The next morning the man called his wife to thank her for coming over. But something was wrong. He sensed something different in her voice. She told him that she had not been honest with him. She had just felt bad that the man had been working so hard on the house that she had told him that it looked better than it really did. She expressed her concerns that she didn't feel that the house would ever been fully clean, or that she would ever want to live there again. The man’s heart sank and he became physically sick as she described how she felt. As she spoke, the man wondered to himself, “What happened in that time between her visiting the house and her going back to the kids? Was what I saw in her eyes really the joy and happiness I thought I saw? Or was I simply kidding myself, hoping for something that was just not there?” She continued to tell the man that if he truly loved her and the kids, he would not ask her to come back to the house again. She said she needed to live in her new home for a while, possibly even forever. The man was defeated. He could not do anything more to convince her that the house was worth it and he would make it a home again. He begged her to know that their home was a place she could indeed be happy and safe, somewhere they could be together as a family once more. But the man's wife had already made up her mind. This was the end. He hung up the phone and sobbed.

 

How was it that God had told the man that buying this home was what He wanted the man to do, and then to tell him further that it would be worth it to clean the home and not just abandon it, only to have his family never return? What was the point? Why would God have the man go through all that effort, seemingly, for nothing?

 

To this day, the man is still confused as to why God allowed for this to happen. He sometimes loses sight of why he continues to clean, and sometimes stops trying. This never lasts long though, because cleaning has now just become a part of him. To stop cleaning feels wrong now. The man has been doing it for so long that doing anything else seems meaningless. The man knows that what he felt at both times that he prayed about the house. The first time, kneeling by his bedside in the small 1 bedroom apartment he was living in trying to decide what the next big step in his life would be. And the second, by going to the temple which God had told him to visit. The temple is the epitome of cleanliness and architecture. When he was in the temple, the man was able to see the mastery of craftsmanship in every detail of that place. Above all else, the temple was perfectly clean. The man knew that he wanted his home to be like that. And when praying about whether it was worth it to clean the house or to simply move out and abandon it, the man felt an overwhelming answer that someday, and sometime, his wife and kids would return to that home and the family would be whole again. To this day, the man continues to hold onto that hope. The man still hurts when he remembers that his wife didn’t want to come back, especially after seeing the look on her face and feeling the warmth of her embrace. But he continues to try. The man will never forget how he felt when speaking to his God, and will never forget in whom he has trusted. He knows that the Lord will not lie. The man bought this house for his family to fill it and by the grace of God, he will continue to clean it, improve upon it, and build it everyday until it can be filled again with the love than only a loving and united family can bring.

 

Like the man in the story above, we all suffer from some sort of mold in our lives. Sometimes we know why, and sometimes we may not. Either way, it is important to remember that no house is “condemned”. No house is “beyond repair”. A verse from the Book of Mormon states:
2 And they had viewed themselves in their own carnal state, even less than the dust of the earth. And they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men.
3 And it came to pass that after they had spoken these words the Spirit of the Lord came upon them, and they were filled with joy, having received a remission of their sins, and having peace of conscience, because of the exceeding faith which they had in Jesus Christ who should come, according to the words which king Benjamin had spoken unto them.
We can become clean, we can become whole. Even if it’s a tornado that has turned our house upside down, we can fix anything with the help of the right people, tools and chemicals. The “right person” is Jesus Christ, the “tool” is repentance, and the “chemical” is the Atonement. Sometimes we feel too ashamed to seek out our Savior. Sometimes we think that repentance is beyond us. And sometimes we think that the Atonement is for everyone else but not for ourselves. I want to testify that I know these principles are true for I have exercised them in my own life. I am thankful for the Savior and everything he has done for me and for everyone. No matter how destitute our lives or “homes” may have become, we can be whole again. It may take a lot of work and effort and it may take the rest of our lives, but we can become clean and whole again through Him