The Grudge

The Grudge

First off, let me say that the word “Grudge” is one of the worst-sounding words in existence. I understand that is my opinion, but I invite you say it out loud…. “grudge”…. Blech. Try to say it and not throw up a little bit in your mouth. Not only does it sound bad when spoken aloud, but the meaning behind it is equally as bad. What does the word grudge mean? Webster’s dictionary states: Grudge - a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time. Dictionary.com states: Grudge - a feeling of ill will or resentment. So a grudge is not a very good thing to have from the sounds of it. This is likely why you very rarely hear someone admit to holding a grudge. In fact, most people are VERY quick to state that they do NOT hold grudges.

I had an interaction with a person recently who very adamantly stated that he “Did not hold grudges”. I wonder if he knew the definition of this word. Remember, a grudge is a strong feeling of anger that lasts for a long time, or resentment. The issue or problem that occurred between this person and I happened nearly a year ago. Yes, it had been a prolonged issue. Yes, it had been just as much my fault as it was his fault. I will absolutely admit that I was in the wrong and should have handled things differently. I, to this day, feel guilty for how I handled things on my part in this grievance. I simply find it funny that although this thing happened (in my eyes) a long time ago, that he is still upset and angry with me over it. I recently spoke with this individual and pleaded with him to assist someone we knew in common concerning a problem this person was having. He declined my request for help saying: “Way back when…… you did this…. You tried this….” referring to things that happened quite a while ago. Once again, I will admit that this is history to me, but apparently, time is relative and is in the eye of the beholder. I do not fault this person for their frustration, anger, or resentment. What concerns me is this man’s inability to see within himself the fact that he currently has, and has for a long-time now, been holding a grudge against me. He vehemently states that he “does not hold grudges.” I guess for this man to admit that he would hold a grudge is to admit any amount of fault or measure of imperfection to be found within him. And that would not be acceptable. In this man’s eyes, he has done nothing wrong – ever. He feels that because he has served in prominent church callings in the past and present, because he holds a position of influence in his workplace, and has plenty of money and possessions, that what he thinks, says, and does must be what is right. This is a man who, hypocritically, attempts to teach others the doctrine of forgiveness. In the Doctrine and Covenants, Jesus Christ said:  

7) “…verily I say unto you, I, the Lord, forgive sins unto those who confess their sins before me and ask forgiveness, who have not sinned unto death.

8) My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.

9) Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

 10) I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”

So I have a question. Can someone who holds a grudge against someone else be forgiven of their own sins according to these verses? It doesn’t sound like it to me. Can someone who holds onto anger and frustration for ANY amount of time against his fellow-man be qualified to receive forgiveness for his own sins? Ought someone who holds resentment in his heart against his neighbor to be the judge of someone who has gone to the proper channels to confess and repent of his sins? I would argue that such cannot and should not.

I do not want to come across as hypocritical myself, so I will openly admit that I once was in the same “gall of bitterness” that this man currently is in. It’s not a good place to be. It is truly “hellish”. The bitterness and frustration and anger and resentment are terrible things that can and will consume you if you do not learn to let it go. That is precisely what happened to me. I was in a place where I had to lose everything in my life before I realized that I was left holding onto nothing but this resentment I once had. So, to this person and to any others that are in a seriously bad place—a place where you think someone is beyond forgiveness in your eyes and even the eyes of society or of religious institutions or otherwise, I would like to offer my own personal testimony. My life, albeit still difficult and full of trials, has become infinitely better from the time I learned to let go of my anger and frustration – my grudge. I came to learn that the words offered by the Lord in the aforementioned scriptures are true, that we cannot be forgiven unless we forgive. From the Sermon on the Mount we hear the words, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” I do not want to come across as one of those people who believe that regardless of their actions they are forgiven and “saved” and therefore have little or no accountability for their deeds or misdeeds. I will say that I am grateful that through the atonement, and through repentance, and through the acceptance of the very nature of our trials and in life in general, that the Atonement is something that can free not only me, but to everyone. One of the prerequisites to receive the cleansing power of the Atonement is to lay upon the altar of sacrifice, our pride. This is a huge thing. It took me a long time to do this and was something I was not sure I could do. But once I chose to do so, the weight of this burden was lifted and caused me such exceeding relief that I will never allow myself to feel that way towards anyone ever again. Sure, people will continue to be people and people will be imperfect and make mistakes. But I accept that now. I don’t hold it against people for the things they have done. A wise man once asked me “Brett, Do any of us really understand the consequences for our actions and deeds?” When it comes down to it, I will not be their judge and they will not be mine. There will only be our personal interview with God as the Judge, and Christ as our advocate.

A friend of mine recently told me something that really changed my perspective on people, trials, and agency (the freedom and capability to choose). I had expressed to my friend of the guilt I felt for recent events in my life, and how I felt that I would be held accountable for the pain and suffering I caused others. I expressed my horror that some of the people I love more than anything in this life were going to be permanently affected by my poor choices and actions of the past. My friend responded: Nobody will be able to get to the judgment bar of God and say “Well, I stopped going to church because I was offended by so-and-so” or “I only smoked because I grew up around it, so it is in reality so-and-so’s fault” or “I only committed ________  of a sin because of so-and-so’s actions”. When it comes down to it, we are all responsible and accountable for our own actions. We all have the light of Christ and we all can feel the Holy Spirit testify to our hearts of truth and righteousness. We will not be found blameless unless we are willing to take responsibility for our own actions and choices, and THEN choose to cast those upon the Lord through the repentance process. Long story short, I do not believe that God will accept a response of “Because of so-and-so…” when we are asked why we fell short.

My friend was not saying this to minimize our actions or accountability. I still felt bad to know that my actions had and would likely continue to cause anxiety and pain to the people I love. However, it made me rethink my own eventual interview with God. What problems, addictions, flaws, or faults in my life have I simply blamed upon others or their actions? I was exposed to horrible things as a child and I still suffer from those effects. But when it comes down to it, can one, a handful, or a multitude of bad experiences or influences justify our own poor decisions and sins? No, they can’t. From the Book of Mormon, The Prophet Lehi teaches his sons: “…I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon. Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.” God created man to act. Sometimes we are indeed acted upon, but we are still children of God with the power and will to act, regardless of our circumstances. To rationalize, to think that outward influences have removed our ability to act for ourselves is childish at best. “Tommy took the ball away from me so I HAD to hit him” is a false concept. We can see and understand this concept as adults. We look upon that example as being very childish or even comical. I feel that his is how God sees our justification of our “inability” to act for ourselves or to make right choices. In the end, regardless of our trials and circumstances, whether they happen naturally or by commission of others, whether by our own doing or not, we will be judged based solely and strictly upon our own actions and reactions to these tests.

To sum up, I simply would like to re-invite the man I offended and everyone else who, at this time, struggles with “holding a grudge”. If you hold one: admit it, and let it go. There’s more harm being done to you by holding onto this grudge than by letting it go. Pretending you do not hold a grudge or lying about it for the sake of worldly gain is spiritually destructive. I know from personal experience this is true. I am grateful for the ability for my faults and flaws to be forgiven through the grace that is the Atonement of Christ. For those of you still struggling with this, who feel they are somehow justified in this anger because it has festered there too long and delved too deeply into your hearts to be rooted out, I invite you to ask yourself the following question: Who I am to hold the faults and flaws of others to be so severe that I would not forgive them, when the Savior himself suffered in Gethsemane and upon the cross and ultimately died to forgive all of mankind for those very things. Can I lie and say that Jesus Christ did that for me, but not for anyone else? Can I declare who is beyond grace? Am I, or any of us, greater than He?