A Mother Is....

I have found that my blog, for me, has been a wonderful outlet to relieve stress, to organize and express my thoughts, and to simply express my heartfelt feelings. The message of this post is the latter. Because i have written these posts in a personal and (somewhat) private journal-like format, i sometimes forget that anyone else actually reads these posts. I was reminded by someone today that these posts are read and valued. This post is for this woman.

I have had the privilege over the past 2 weeks to come to know a beautiful daughter of God. I was honored to accompany her to the temple today down in the Boston area. The journey down was most enjoyable as i have come to expect when spending anytime with her in person or over the phone. Our conversations spanned many topics which were mentally, socially, and spiritually enriching. As i listened to her, i found myself picturing her a year down the road. In my mind, i see her in our home that we might have together. I see her with our children, teaching them important life lessons, both temporal and spiritual. I envision eating at a table where there is probably more commotion than i would normally accept, but over-looking the distractions and staring at her, thankful for the mere opportunity to be in her presence. I listened to her speak but was already daydreaming of how wonderful my life would be if i could but convince her to take a chance (a BIG chance) on me. We finally arrive at the temple and after a wonderful visit there, we begin our 3 hour journey home.

This is where the purpose of this post enters the story. While continuing our conversation about life and other topics, my beautiful companion receives a call. It only takes a moment to realize that the person on the other end is my friend's 10-year old daughter. While I cannot hear what is being said by this young lady, i can hear in the reply of my friend expressions of sadness. My friend had forgotten about her daughter's friend's birthday party. The daughter quickly forgave the mother and expressed her love for her. My friends reply was a reciprocation of heartfelt and sincere love. Assuming that the conversation was coming to a close, i anticipated what we could speak about next. However, after a short moment of silence, she turns the speaker-phone option on and speaks with her 5 year old daughter.  "Mommy, i love love love love love love love love you! You are the best Mommy in the whole world!" Comes through the line. This is one-upped by her mother who is insistent that her daughter is the best daughter in the world. This exchange goes back and forth for a bit before her 9 year old son comes on the line. This call is a little different. The tone of Her son's voice is broken and sad, on the verge of tears. A shaking voice comes over the phone asking how long it will take for get to get home. "Not for another couple of hours hunny, what's going on?" Her son then conveys his sadness concerning their dog who had gone missing the previous day. Although they had been told that a dog matching their description had been found at a local shelter, the son was still upset. "I miss Her mom" whimpers the boy. I then was lucky enough to witness the true power and majesty of this mothers ability to love, comfort, and reassure her son that everything was going to be ok, and that she would take care of all of his fears and concerns. After a sorry description of the steps my friend would take to resolve the missing dog situation and after making 100% sure that his pain was alleviated, she reminded him of her love for him and then closed the phone call. I struggled to find the words for the feelings in my heart. I was blown away by this mother's inherent capability to help, support, comfort and love these three precious children with an effortless poise and grace that i had never before witnessed. Now, hours later, i think i have found at least a few words which portray what i was feeling:

First, "Wow". Are you kidding me? What an incredible person you are!  Where did you come from?
Second, "incredible". There is a prophet in the Book of Mormon of which it is written "If all men had been like unto Moroni, the powers of hell would have been shaken forever". Well, if all mothers would have been like unto this marvelous woman, no child on earth would ever go to bed with even a shadow of doubt of that they are loved and valued more than the most precious treasures on this earth.
Third, "beautiful". In a recent conference session of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, a woman spoke about how (in her opinion) a man is never more attractive than when he is fulfilling his church responsibilities and duties. I can understand where that woman was coming from tonight because as amazing as i found this woman to be on our ride down, nothing could make her glow with as much beauty as hearing her comfort and console her children and masterfully preform her motherly role and duty, even if only over the phone.

To my friend, and to all other mothers out there (and i make it a point to say that i speak this to all woman who care for  children and others who stand in need) who go above and beyond the call of duty in caring for the those who stand in need of comfort, in whatever form that comfort is needed, i say thank you. Thank you for all you do, and know that you are most beautiful when you render those such services and comforts to others which only you can offer! Happy mother's day to all of you and may the smile of God's love a favor find you on this day and all others!

The Difference One Can Make

     I know its been a bit since I have posted anything on here. To be honest, I didn't think anyone was reading this so I didn't think much of it. I figured that when I got around to it, I would write again. Yes, I have had some feelings and thoughts I wanted to express, but felt no sense of urgency to share anything. 

     This past weekend was Stake Conference for our church. For those of you who may read this and are unfamiliar with this term, it essentially is a large public group gathering of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints or Mormons. In our "Stake," the units span from Rockland to Farmington, from Lincoln to Machias. Most people are traveling more than an hour to make it to this meeting. The people who do make the journey are those who know the blessings that come from attending such a meeting. Not only is it great to be around such a large body of people who think and feel similarly as you do towards such a sensitive topic as religion can be, but conference is also a place to hear some of the more powerful speakers and leaders in our area give us counsel that we need, specifically in this area, at this time. In the local leadership of the Stake are two gentleman that I have come to have an immense amount of love and respect for. Getting to hear their words and what they felt that we needed to hear was awesome. 

     Once the conference was over, I felt the need to find the two men and thank them for their words. However, I'm not the only one who has such feelings of love and respect for these two. Getting to these men after the meeting was like a salmon swimming upstream. Everyone is either trying to leave, or has already made their way up to the front to speak with them first. I figured that I would be patient and wait near the back where they would likely be exiting, hoping to catch them before they left. While I was waiting, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people that came up to me and either gave me a hug, asked me how I was doing, or would give me some undeserved compliment. Needless to say, I felt more loved in that span of about 20 minutes than I had in a long time. Most of these people gave their condolences towards my impending divorce, of the which I had no idea where they heard or that they cared. Long story short, it really made me wonder if I have had that kind of impact on the people around me? Do people feel uplifted and loved and cared about when I talk to them? Do they feel inspired to be the best person they can be? Or do people feel ignored? Do they feel neglected? Am I too focused on myself and my problems to compliment them on their beautiful families or accomplishments, or on their overall personality? That's why I have decided to be that person. I want to be that person who people are excited to see. I want people to look forward to being in the same room as me simply because they know I will lift them up and make them feel better. The world is already a better place because of these people and I want to be one of them.

     And that brings me to the reason of why I am getting back into blogging and I want to be more consistent with it. One of these such gentleman asked me why I hadn't written in my blog. I was actually quite shocked because I had not spoken to him in quite some time and had no idea that he knew about my blog. He said that he was a fan and missed my posts. Even if its just one person that can be uplifted or edified, or helped in anyway from my words on this blog, it is worth it to keep writing.

     I still intend for this blog to be a place where I can share my testimony with people. I also want to be able to share stories and experiences that I am going through which others may be able to relate and gain strength from. In closing, I want to thank this person (He knows who he is) for reaching out to me and making me feel special. Not for just making me feel special, but for truly making me feel valued and worthwhile. And thank you all, the silent majority, who hopefully enjoy this blog in your own private way.

Life Lessons I Learned From The Tough Mountain Challenge

About 6 months ago, a friend of mine at work told me about a "fun" competition that he had participated in. It was called "The Tough Mountain Challenge". My friend told me over and over how much fun it was and what a challenge it was. In fact, he talked about it so much and was so enthusiastic about it that he convinced me and a few of our friends to try it. So, we registered and paid the entrance fee to reserve a slot for us to do this race.
Yesterday was race-day. It seriously felt that in a blink of an eye and there we were, standing at the starting line, waiting to begin. I won't go into all the details, but suffice it to say, it was an extreme obstacle course that went about 2 miles up a mountain and 2 miles back down. The obstacles were all designed to be difficult in one way or another. Needless to say, I struggled with the run, but completed it.
Afterwards, people would come up to me and ask me if I had "Fun". I will be honest, during the race I had moments that were better than others, but overall the race was the hardest thing I have ever done physically in my life. I did, however, manage to discover some interesting parallels between the Tough Mountain Challenge and life. What follows are just some of the examples I learned.
The first thing I learned was the concept of time and its relativity. I am 28 years old and have lived an eventful life. This did not seem to matter though when it came time to race. At around the 20 minute mark, I started to feel like the race was never going to end. I know that's seems a little cliché, but it's truly how I felt. I was not sure if I would make it to the end, which seemed to be miles and miles away...  and indeed it was! Nothing I had done before the race seemed to matter when I was going through that much pain. At some points, I even questioned why I was in that race in the first place. Eventually, after struggling though each of the many obstacles, I came to the end. I was still in(and am still feeling) pain, but the race was over; no more obstacles, no more worrying, only rest and taking comfort in knowing it was over, and I had finished the race. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I believe that we lived before this life. Who knows how long this period was, but we did exist. We are now on this earth, and nothing we did there makes our trials any easier here. Sometimes this life feels like it will never end, especially when we are going through the pains and trials of our own lives. Sometimes, the trials feel like they will never end and the finish line is forever away. Sometimes, we may question the very purpose for going through the struggles and trials we face. When all is said and done, like in the race, we will finally rest from all our cares and worries and struggles and pains. We will look back and say "Wow, I did it! I didn't think I was going to, but I pushed on and I made it!" I can only imagine how great the release from pain and ailments will feel when we rest from the burdens of this life. That is not to say we cannot enjoy this life, but the purpose and design of this life is to be a test. In my experience that it certainly has been!
Another thing I learned was that the obstacles in the race were placed very strategically. What I mean by this is that the obstacles seemed to be placed in a manner that would cause you to get soaked, then let you dry out, then get soaked again, then let you dry out again. This was likely designed to make things more difficult, but I realized afterwards that this actually allowed me to stay cooler during sections of the race where there was no shade. I have noticed this same pattern in my life. Sometimes we experience things that make our mental, emotional, compassionate, or patience muscles to toughen up so that we can be better prepared for future struggles in our own lives or in the lives of others. It has been no coincidence to me that these struggles seem to come at very specific times and for very specific reasons. I believe this is truly the case for everyone, and not just for myself.
I learned that the obstacles in the race vary greatly as do the trials in our lives. Some of the obstacles which I considered to be difficult, others found to be easy. Some obstacles I found to be easy, were harder for others. This gave me a deeper understanding that we should never look down on others for struggling with things we see as "minor trials" or "small temptations".
I learned that the more people had prepared themselves physically for the obstacles, the better they performed. In life, then better we prepare ourselves spiritually, the better equipped we are to handle the trials of this life. Although some trials may bring us to our knees at times and we may feel completely taken off guard, anything we have done to increase our faith will certainly reduce the difficulty, even if it's only a fraction, it is still something.
I learned and will likely soon realize more lessons I learned from the race, but the final lesson is what happened at the end of the race. I entered the race with some friends from work. These friends were of a good physical build, but most of us had never undertaken such a physical endeavor such as this previously. When I finished, I found one of these friends waiting for me. It was so nice to see someone there waiting and cheering me on. Once finished, we waited for our other friends to finish. 30 minutes went by and no sign of them. 60 minutes, no sign of them. It was a little after this point we became VERY worried. "Were they ok?" We asked each other, not knowing if they were still going through the course or if they had given up. We both were hoping that they were still trying to finish. We knew how they would likely feel if they had given up or turned back. Finally, after about 90 minutes of waiting, they came into view. They had struggled a lot more in certain obstacles than we did and this caused them to take more time to finish. We were so happy to see them and be together afterwards to share our experiences and our thoughts and feelings through the course. I feel like this is how "The Afterlife" will be. I can't help but feel like we will be anxious to see our family and friends again. We will be concerned for those who have gone before and those who still live through their trials. We will be excited to meet up with our loved ones again and hear of their struggles and their triumphs. We will hope to hear that they made it through the course of life successfully and didn't ever give up. We will be so happy to know that we are together again and can now use all of our learning, knowledge, and experiences to the benefit of ourselves and others.
I know this was a long post, but I wanted to simply share the things I learned. I can say about the race, and the life I have lead this far, that it was difficult. At times, neither has been fun. However, I have learned and grown from the experiences and hope to continue, to not give up until the Lord can finally say "Well done though good and faithful servant." I am grateful for the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation; the Plan which God has for all of his children to eventually make it back to live with Him again.

A long over-due "Thank you"

The recent visit I had with a dear friend from my youth has caused me to reflect on my past. As I'm sure all could say of our pasts, mine was full of good and bad. I loved the good for the great joys and experiences I can now cherish and look back on with a smiling heart. I have now come to appreciate the bad times for the learning experiences that they were. My thoughts and feelings about the learning experiences of the past I can share later. For right now, I want to express my deepest gratitude to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to grow up in what is known as the "Bangor Maine Stake." For those of you unfamiliar with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, a "stake" is a territory that covers a number of congregations. Our stake covered from Waterville to Lincoln, from Farmington to Machias. When I was in my mid and later teen years, it was the norm to be the only, or one of a few, youth in your congregation. This was the case for me. I was the only youth my age until I was about 17-18. I looked forward to the activities we would have once or twice a month because I was able to be around the type of youth that I shared moral and spiritual values with. The leaders were also the type of men and women that you would someday hope to become more like. They varied in their income or physical prowess, but what they all had in common was a passion for the gospel and their dedication towards the youth of the Church. As I said before, I looked forward to these activities so much. So much even, that I would often forgo spending time with friends from school or attending other school activities to attend the youth activities.


While the activities themselves had wonderful messages, or perhaps were just a good time, I came to love and appreciate each and every youth that would go to these activities as well. It was at these activities that I met my two best friends in the world. These two friends I met so many years ago have been two of the best supports I could have hoped for these past couple of months. I also met numerous young ladies while attending these activities. This was where I first started to learn the ropes of how to treat and interact with women. I ended up dating a handful of these young women and became very good friends with the others. These too have gone their varying ways into the world and been successful in their various endeavors. Many are now married happily in temples or outside of them. They are college graduates, hard workers, and mothers. They are all wonderful people to whom I look up to. The leaders, for the most part, have all been reassigned to other callings or tasks but still continue to be an inspiration and provide a shining light to the current youth, adults, and myself. The thing all of these people have in common is that they were each present in my childhood. Each one of these people left a mark on me that caused me to be the person I am today. Some people may hear this and think they did something bad! But that is not the case. Any flaws or shortcomings I currently have, I developed despite the great influences and experiences they provided. I can remember a stake president sharing his testimony in a talk entitled "The parable of the Leaves" which impacted me greatly and caused me to think of the less-active and inactive members of the stake. I remember spending the night with a bunch of the other young men at a leaders home where he stayed up and played video games with us and just talked to us. I remember going to church dances where we were encouraged to include everyone and where I first decided I would try to reach out to the young women who maybe wouldn't ask the young men to dance, so they would be included. I remember going to Friendly's after the church dances with all of the youth for ice-cream. I remember constantly wanting to make others laugh and therefore setting myself up for acts of embarrassment, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. I remember going on group dates with righteous young women and young men where we could have a fun time, without crude jokes or anything else that would be offensive to God. I remember planning a youth conference with a young woman who bore the brunt of the planning and worked hard to pick up my slack in order to put on a fun and spiritual event for all the youth of the stake. I remember an activity where we learned to eat a meal with the proper etiquette, something I used on my mission in the appropriate settings. I remember testimony meetings where I was witness to the many beautiful and simple testimonies that each helped to shape my own. So many fond memories that I could not even write a 1000th of them here.


There are so many people I would like to thank for simply being who they were at those times. They may not know or comprehend their influence on me. If I could, I would give each one of you the biggest hug and thank you for being who are. You may have never spoken to me. We may never have been close friends. We may not have had the relationship that you deserved or wanted. But each person I came in contact with, helped me to become who I am today and I am eternally grateful for that. I would not be who I am today without each of you. To sum up, I love you all and I thank you. I hope someday to be given the chance to express this to each of you personally. Until then, I hope to somehow to be the example and influence to others that you have all been to me. You are all amazing and may Heavenly Father bless you for your part in helping to shape me for the better. Thank you, and I owe you big time!

The Ark, The Barge, And The Ship

The Ark, the Barge, and the Ship

Recently I had a conversation with the leader of a local congregation where I attend church. We sat down and had a long discussion about the trials I have going on in my life at this time. I expressed that I felt lost. I had told him that I had, until recently, felt as though I was in a river. I had moved to Maine my sophomore year of high school. I knew I wanted to graduate high school. After that, I knew I wanted to serve a church mission. I then wanted to return, find gainful employment, go to school, find a wife, have some kids, and continue on. Every step in my life seemed to naturally progress to the next stage. It flowed forward naturally. And I had achieved each one of these goals. I was where I wanted to be. But now, in light of recent events, I find myself stagnant, seemingly lost or stuck, and without a clear path or course in my life. I expressed my frustration to my leader who gently and kindly replied, "Where do all rivers eventually lead? The Sea or Ocean. That is where you are at right now." I told him that I did not like not knowing my path. It was a new and uncomfortable feeling. He advised me to read up on Nephi and the Liahona (a compass which worked by faith which was given to guide the Book of Mormon prophet and his family to the American Continent) and see what I could learn from that.

So that's what I did. I actually found the 3 instances where the Lord commanded someone to build a boat in the scriptures. The first is from the Bible, the other 2 are found in the Book of Mormon. The first is about Noah and the Ark. The second is about the Brother of Jared and the barges. Finally, the third is about Nephi and the boat he was commanded to build. After researching these 3 separate and distinct stories, I was surprised to find so many similarities and some minor but important differences. The more important difference in the 3 stories is the succession of what the Lord wanted these prophets to learn. Allow me to explain:

The story of Noah is  likely known to all of us. Of course I am referring to the biblical account and not the abomination which is the newly made movie. In the Bible, God commands Noah to build an ark so that a few righteous souls and other animal life would be saved from the impending and utterly destructive flood. The end goal of the Ark was to survive. The Lord commanded Noah to construct the ark in a very specific fashion in order to withstand the rains and floods. Noah obeyed, and the Ark floated upon the waters. The ark had no other purpose other than to survive and preserve the inhabitants therein. It succeeded in completing its mission and purpose after about a year of floating upon the water, allowing the passengers to exit the ark and repopulate the world.

The story of the Brother of Jared in the book of Ether from the Book of Mormon recounts the story of a family that was at the tower of Babel, as told in the Bible. The family, lead by a man referred to as the Brother of Jared, was favored of the Lord when they humbled themselves by begging the Lord to spare them from having their language confounded at the instance of the tower of Babel. The Lord then commanded this family to depart to the coasts of the land they were on. The Brother of Jared was further commanded there, by the Lord, to construct a vessel, later referred to as a barge. The Lord commanded the Brother of Jared to construct the ships in a manner that many of us would imagine to look like a submarine. The barges' purpose was to bring them from the landmass they were on, to a new land that was a promised and beautiful place. The barges were designed to be "tight like unto a dish" and would have two openings should the barge overturn. From how the ship is described, there was no sailing nor steering mechanism. In order to reach the promised land, they would have to simply have the faith to be carried there by the waves and winds. It took nearly a year, but they reached the promised land and gave thanks.

The story of Nephi and the boat tells of Nephi and a very similar commandment to build a ship. Nephi too was told after which manner to construct the boat and was given the same mission: to sail to the promised land. Like the Brother of Jared, Nephi was full of faith and did everything he was instructed to of the Lord. Unlike the Brother of Jared, however, Nephi and his family had been given a device from the Lord that would help guide them to the promised land -- the Liahona. The Liahona acted similarly to a compass by our standards, but did not simply point north. This "compass" would point in the direction to where the Lord desired them to go and it would work only "according to their faith". Nephi and his family set off for the promised land and soon ran into problems. There is dissension amongst members of the family and there began to be infighting. The family begins to lose faith in God and the compass ceases to work. About that same time they hit a massive storm which threatens to destroy the ship and its passengers. Fearing that they would perish, the dissident members of the family repent and the storm ceased. The compass began to function again, in accordance with their faith, and they reached the promised land.

So what did I learn?


In the story of Noah, the Lord wanted Noah to obey and survive. That was it. The Lord simply asked Noah to listen and obey. Noah did this, and the Lord kept his promise that they would be spared. Sometimes, the Lord simply asks us to float. He wants us to trust in Him that we will "make it" and that we are in his power. Noah didn't receive a promised land, but rather an opportunity to preserve the lives of his family and the animal life. This was still a brilliant blessing in and of itself.

In the story of the Brother of Jared, the Lord wanted him to build the barges without means
by which to steer them and trust that the Lord would take them to a new place where He wanted them to be. Once again, this required trust and faith, but with an element that was different from the story of Noah: Instead of just surviving and continuing, the Lord intended for them to thrive and to prosper in the promised land. The Lord teaches us the lesson in this story that sometimes the past is behind us, and there is a precious new life ahead of us. We may not know how we are going to get there, but if we trust in Him that He knows best and will guide us, we will be OK.

In the story of Nephi, the lesson to be learned was that sometimes the Lord allows us to choose our path. Never doubt that The Lord still has a destination in mind, but wants us to exercise our faith to get us there. Sometimes we are given a ship and a means to get there. This can be likened unto the spirit. IF we are worthy, we can use the spirit to guide us along the route that leads us to the promised land. The spirit may take us through the storms, but this is sometimes to avoid the dangerous reefs that would leave us destroyed and marooned. If we heed our "compass", we too can obtain the promised land and revel in the satisfaction that the Lord loved and trusted us enough to be part of the process of getting there. We then are appointed Captains, having learned eternal truths that come only from personal experience. Having gained this experience, we are now better equipped to help others on their way and can be as a lighthouse upon he shores for others to look towards for guidance.

I am thankful for this time in my life. I don't like it, but I am thankful for it. More so, I am thankful for the Gospel in my life which has helped me to interpret my trials as ways for me to learn and grow, rather than merely has tests to suffer through. Like any other test, we can look at it from two perspectives. First, we can choose to feel punished, abandoned, or alone. Like a test in the classroom, tests can cause anxiety and stress. And as I felt sometimes in High school, I felt that pop-quizzes were given to us out of some cruel punishment by some of my teachers. Or second, we can choose to view our tests as an opportunity to show our stuff, to prove what we have learned. Without testing, we would never have a need for gaining knowledge. I can tell you that I never would have cared nor bothered to learn the state capitals if it wasn't for the tests on the in my grade-school years. I have not been to all the states and have not truly ever needed to know that information for any other purpose, but to this day can recall nearly all the state capitals from memory. I memorized this information because of a few tests so many years ago. We can choose to view our tests as rungs to be climbed on a ladder bringing us to higher and better places.


I know that each of us can learn from these experiences. I have been in each of these positions in my life. At times, I feel like I am just being asked to survive. And that's OK. If the only thing we learn from this is the Faith to "Be still and know that I am God", then it is a victory in and of itself. The Faith to believe that even though we have not "moved" per se, that we have nevertheless grown and progressed. At times, I have been carried upon the waters without the ability to steer. Whether i liked it or not, I had to place my trust in the Lord and believe that the Lord was "see(ing) if (I) will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command (me)." And finally, there have been times when there seems to be smooth sailing, because I have been following the compass. But then the storms come, and sometimes we focus more on the storm and the waves and the sails than upon he compass and we lose sight. But if we can refocus our attention upon the compass and where it comes from and where it is leading us, we can navigate the murky waters and find the land prepared for us by the Lord.


I love my Savior who loves all of us and wants us to learn from each of these examples at the appropriate times in our lives. Which one of these lessons do I need to learn at this time and in this trial? Well... maybe a little of each. That has nit yet been revealed to me, but I know that the Lord will make it all clear to me in the end. I am thankful for the knowledge and testimony I have of Him and His Atonement.

The Grudge

The Grudge

First off, let me say that the word “Grudge” is one of the worst-sounding words in existence. I understand that is my opinion, but I invite you say it out loud…. “grudge”…. Blech. Try to say it and not throw up a little bit in your mouth. Not only does it sound bad when spoken aloud, but the meaning behind it is equally as bad. What does the word grudge mean? Webster’s dictionary states: Grudge - a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time. Dictionary.com states: Grudge - a feeling of ill will or resentment. So a grudge is not a very good thing to have from the sounds of it. This is likely why you very rarely hear someone admit to holding a grudge. In fact, most people are VERY quick to state that they do NOT hold grudges.

I had an interaction with a person recently who very adamantly stated that he “Did not hold grudges”. I wonder if he knew the definition of this word. Remember, a grudge is a strong feeling of anger that lasts for a long time, or resentment. The issue or problem that occurred between this person and I happened nearly a year ago. Yes, it had been a prolonged issue. Yes, it had been just as much my fault as it was his fault. I will absolutely admit that I was in the wrong and should have handled things differently. I, to this day, feel guilty for how I handled things on my part in this grievance. I simply find it funny that although this thing happened (in my eyes) a long time ago, that he is still upset and angry with me over it. I recently spoke with this individual and pleaded with him to assist someone we knew in common concerning a problem this person was having. He declined my request for help saying: “Way back when…… you did this…. You tried this….” referring to things that happened quite a while ago. Once again, I will admit that this is history to me, but apparently, time is relative and is in the eye of the beholder. I do not fault this person for their frustration, anger, or resentment. What concerns me is this man’s inability to see within himself the fact that he currently has, and has for a long-time now, been holding a grudge against me. He vehemently states that he “does not hold grudges.” I guess for this man to admit that he would hold a grudge is to admit any amount of fault or measure of imperfection to be found within him. And that would not be acceptable. In this man’s eyes, he has done nothing wrong – ever. He feels that because he has served in prominent church callings in the past and present, because he holds a position of influence in his workplace, and has plenty of money and possessions, that what he thinks, says, and does must be what is right. This is a man who, hypocritically, attempts to teach others the doctrine of forgiveness. In the Doctrine and Covenants, Jesus Christ said:  

7) “…verily I say unto you, I, the Lord, forgive sins unto those who confess their sins before me and ask forgiveness, who have not sinned unto death.

8) My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another and forgave not one another in their hearts; and for this evil they were afflicted and sorely chastened.

9) Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

 10) I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”

So I have a question. Can someone who holds a grudge against someone else be forgiven of their own sins according to these verses? It doesn’t sound like it to me. Can someone who holds onto anger and frustration for ANY amount of time against his fellow-man be qualified to receive forgiveness for his own sins? Ought someone who holds resentment in his heart against his neighbor to be the judge of someone who has gone to the proper channels to confess and repent of his sins? I would argue that such cannot and should not.

I do not want to come across as hypocritical myself, so I will openly admit that I once was in the same “gall of bitterness” that this man currently is in. It’s not a good place to be. It is truly “hellish”. The bitterness and frustration and anger and resentment are terrible things that can and will consume you if you do not learn to let it go. That is precisely what happened to me. I was in a place where I had to lose everything in my life before I realized that I was left holding onto nothing but this resentment I once had. So, to this person and to any others that are in a seriously bad place—a place where you think someone is beyond forgiveness in your eyes and even the eyes of society or of religious institutions or otherwise, I would like to offer my own personal testimony. My life, albeit still difficult and full of trials, has become infinitely better from the time I learned to let go of my anger and frustration – my grudge. I came to learn that the words offered by the Lord in the aforementioned scriptures are true, that we cannot be forgiven unless we forgive. From the Sermon on the Mount we hear the words, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” I do not want to come across as one of those people who believe that regardless of their actions they are forgiven and “saved” and therefore have little or no accountability for their deeds or misdeeds. I will say that I am grateful that through the atonement, and through repentance, and through the acceptance of the very nature of our trials and in life in general, that the Atonement is something that can free not only me, but to everyone. One of the prerequisites to receive the cleansing power of the Atonement is to lay upon the altar of sacrifice, our pride. This is a huge thing. It took me a long time to do this and was something I was not sure I could do. But once I chose to do so, the weight of this burden was lifted and caused me such exceeding relief that I will never allow myself to feel that way towards anyone ever again. Sure, people will continue to be people and people will be imperfect and make mistakes. But I accept that now. I don’t hold it against people for the things they have done. A wise man once asked me “Brett, Do any of us really understand the consequences for our actions and deeds?” When it comes down to it, I will not be their judge and they will not be mine. There will only be our personal interview with God as the Judge, and Christ as our advocate.

A friend of mine recently told me something that really changed my perspective on people, trials, and agency (the freedom and capability to choose). I had expressed to my friend of the guilt I felt for recent events in my life, and how I felt that I would be held accountable for the pain and suffering I caused others. I expressed my horror that some of the people I love more than anything in this life were going to be permanently affected by my poor choices and actions of the past. My friend responded: Nobody will be able to get to the judgment bar of God and say “Well, I stopped going to church because I was offended by so-and-so” or “I only smoked because I grew up around it, so it is in reality so-and-so’s fault” or “I only committed ________  of a sin because of so-and-so’s actions”. When it comes down to it, we are all responsible and accountable for our own actions. We all have the light of Christ and we all can feel the Holy Spirit testify to our hearts of truth and righteousness. We will not be found blameless unless we are willing to take responsibility for our own actions and choices, and THEN choose to cast those upon the Lord through the repentance process. Long story short, I do not believe that God will accept a response of “Because of so-and-so…” when we are asked why we fell short.

My friend was not saying this to minimize our actions or accountability. I still felt bad to know that my actions had and would likely continue to cause anxiety and pain to the people I love. However, it made me rethink my own eventual interview with God. What problems, addictions, flaws, or faults in my life have I simply blamed upon others or their actions? I was exposed to horrible things as a child and I still suffer from those effects. But when it comes down to it, can one, a handful, or a multitude of bad experiences or influences justify our own poor decisions and sins? No, they can’t. From the Book of Mormon, The Prophet Lehi teaches his sons: “…I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon. Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.” God created man to act. Sometimes we are indeed acted upon, but we are still children of God with the power and will to act, regardless of our circumstances. To rationalize, to think that outward influences have removed our ability to act for ourselves is childish at best. “Tommy took the ball away from me so I HAD to hit him” is a false concept. We can see and understand this concept as adults. We look upon that example as being very childish or even comical. I feel that his is how God sees our justification of our “inability” to act for ourselves or to make right choices. In the end, regardless of our trials and circumstances, whether they happen naturally or by commission of others, whether by our own doing or not, we will be judged based solely and strictly upon our own actions and reactions to these tests.

To sum up, I simply would like to re-invite the man I offended and everyone else who, at this time, struggles with “holding a grudge”. If you hold one: admit it, and let it go. There’s more harm being done to you by holding onto this grudge than by letting it go. Pretending you do not hold a grudge or lying about it for the sake of worldly gain is spiritually destructive. I know from personal experience this is true. I am grateful for the ability for my faults and flaws to be forgiven through the grace that is the Atonement of Christ. For those of you still struggling with this, who feel they are somehow justified in this anger because it has festered there too long and delved too deeply into your hearts to be rooted out, I invite you to ask yourself the following question: Who I am to hold the faults and flaws of others to be so severe that I would not forgive them, when the Savior himself suffered in Gethsemane and upon the cross and ultimately died to forgive all of mankind for those very things. Can I lie and say that Jesus Christ did that for me, but not for anyone else? Can I declare who is beyond grace? Am I, or any of us, greater than He?

 

Walking The Line

I am sitting in one of the quaint little cafes here in Rockland, Maine. I'm waiting for my breakfast and thinking about change and what it means to change. I again am reflecting on the mindset of people who have no desire to be anything or anyone other than who they are. In my opinion, there is a fine line that few people actually walk. This is the fine line between loving ourselves for who we are and recognizing the need for change. Finding ourselves set upon one side of this line or the other can be damning in a sense. If we love who we are too much and see no reason to improve, we risk becoming complacent in our circumstances and therefore become stagnant. On the other hand, if we focus solely on the need to change or the many improvements we feel we ought to make, we then run the danger of despising ourselves, having low self-worth and low self-esteem. Personally, I have fallen on both sides of this line. I have found myself thinking: I'm doing pretty well. I go to church, I pay tithing, I pay fast offerings, I strive to be honest, I serve in church, I do my best to be a positive influence on those people around me. I think I'm doing alright. At those times, I stopped progressing as a person. Although from the outside, I'm sure I looked as though I was doing very well, on the inside I was stationary, without any sign of growth. There have also been times when I was on the other side of the line. The depths of despair really is the only way to describe what it is like to be on the other side of the line. When you are not able see the good in yourself through all the "bad". It has been said that we often can be our own worst critic. If we are not careful, we critic ourselves took harshly. This had an adverse effect which leads to depression and doubt in ourselves, rather than to the motivation we are searching for to obtain the real and valuable change we are seeking. All too easily we can lose hope in the ability to change if we look at everything we may want to change about ourselves. This is why I feel that walking the straight and narrow line is so crucial for our growth and improvement as individuals. If we veer too far to one side or the other, we miss the mark of who we are meant to become. As I said before, I think too many of us are firmly set on one side of this line or the other, when in fact, we must walk this straight and narrow path to achieve the growth we need to become who God wants us to become.

One example of this could be the habit of smoking. I don’t think there is anyone out there that argues that smoking is a good thing. However, pretty much everyone who smokes has chosen to find themselves on one of the two sides of this line. They may have decided that they are a smoker and that is that. They may have decided that they are ok with it and this addiction is just part of who they are. They might have found a way to love themselves and their habits. Or, perhaps they have tried and tried to quit smoking. They may know it’s bad, and they may want to quit, but they have tried and failed too many times. They have lost hope, and they see themselves as “broken toys” that cannot be fixed. They are beyond the ability to change. They sometimes feel so lowly of themselves that they allow this negative self-image to affect other aspects of their lives. While a desire to quit smoking is the first step in actually quitting, taking this negative viewpoint to the extreme will not help, but only make failing that much worse. Thus, people who want to quit smoking, or bring about any meaningful change in general, need to walk this line. People must love themselves for all the good they are and their divine parentage and origins, while also seeing the need for and benefits of changing, of turning away from the bad outwardly influences, or bad inner mannerisms we have developed over time.

I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I was speaking with a friend the other day who shared with me that he was a Christian. We had a good discussion of some basic and core beliefs that all Christians shared commonly. We ultimately agreed that Christianity at its core means to accept that any person can change for the better through Jesus Christ. If you are a Christian of any denomination, you must have this firm belief at your core. There is the capability to change by will-power, and for those people who can “do it on their own”, I tip my hat to them. I know that for the rest of us, the majority of us, real change can and only will take place once the desire has been built on the foundation that we love our Savior and want to change and become better for him. This is meaningful and real change. I am grateful for second, third, fourth, and hundredth chances to change which come from the Grace of Jesus Christ’s atoning sacrifice. When it comes to walking that line, my savior is the one who keeps me from falling on either side and helps me to slowly, but steadily, become the man I hope to one day become.

Those are just some of the thoughts I’ve been having as of late….And breakfast was delicious, in case you were wondering.